what does the "I" want from "me"

It is almost 2 weeks since I am back in campus. Three months at home. It was a well needed break. I had a lot of outings with friends and cousins. How can I forget the people at EY? They were amazing. When I was sitting idle at home I just wanted to be back in campus. Now I am where I wanted to be!! I wanted the remaining one year to be the most hardworking and fruitful year.

BIM hasn't given me the happiness I was looking for. You can create an ambience of hope and motivation but Motivation has to come from within - they say.

I sit now analyze why this feeling of helpless in me on the day when Marwar- a event spanning over a week came to a end. It is already 0230 hours.

I love people who have opinions.
I love people who are independent.
I love people who stand for their values.
I love people who can speak their minds.

I hate indecisions. I am the most confused myself these days. I just don’t want to say I hate myself. I feel my happiness lies outside in others which I know is wrong. I have been questioning my values. I feel a hypocrite so many times trying to speak my mind.

Couple of days back had the best outing for long time. We left by 8 in the morning and were back by evening 6. Such a joy ride it was with 6 other wonderful people but once I was back in campus I was like feeling void.
I have no complains but still this feeling is weird.

What does the 'I' want from 'me' is the question I ask myself the most?

I am not worried about my placements. Nor I am worried about the Grade points slipping a couple of decimals. So what is that I want? If only I knew what I want I think I will be on the driver’s seat. Being not in control bothers me.

These days I have been trying to do a lot of different things. But none of these have come to my rescue so far. I hate cribbing but the same time no harm in trying to find what is wrong.

I had similar things in mind years ago. What if I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up? What if I didn't want to grow up at all? Then, in absolute distress, I imagined myself as my own, personal shrink. I saw myself reclining on my couch. Then I asked, "Why are you scared? I mean, reallyscared." That was a hard one, but I answered bravely: "More than anything, I'm afraid to fail." It was one of those translucently transcendent moments--almost an epiphany, when I knew I was being honest with myself. What scared me most was the possibility of letting people down--especially me.

You see, I discovered something so obvious it seems ridiculous to mention. isn't it?

I know that most of my energy goes in this contemplation. These are not a waste I know. I have evolved through such a thought process number of times. But this time I don’t know how to think? What to think? But I know why to think. I have to contemplate to find out the answer for this one question. What does the ‘I’ want from the ‘me’?

Such a nice song while ending this blog....

"Krishna nee begane baro...."

"Sweet" Mail

One fine day I get this mail. All I utter is 'so sweet'. I then forward this to a friend asking for the reaction and reply 'sweet mail'. I get this mail after a long time from one of my close friends- Bhaskar

What's up?
You remember we used to listen to one Colonial Cousins CD again and again in 2nd year. What was the album called? I want to buy it. I suddenly miss those days, and I want to recreate as much of it as possible. I have already got Alai Paayuthe and Kannathil Muththamitaal cassettes. And I have the project report on my centre table. There is still no way I can play cricket in the corridor, though.

I am trying to relive those times in this blog. Won`t be successful but I am happy trying. Bhaskar got his name Bosh from me in the first year. But god knows why people started attributing a lot of reasons why he got his name BO for him being from the Bong(Bengali) land and ……..the rest another story.

He is working far from home, alone, really alone.

We shared the room in the second year. It was supposed that in the second year the room was allocated for only 4 but we were 5 people staying in that. Each of the five people were very different from the other. One was real crazy guy. You need a separate blog for him.

Bosh- he needs an introduction. He started learning Mridhangam (percussion instrument) when he was three years old. I heard from his parents that he broke the arm rest of the small chair that was meant for him So his parents bought him a Mridhangam and then he started his journey with music. I think one reason he stayed with me in the second year was seeing my collection of hindi and tamil songs I had in the first year. Greedy intention but I didn’t mind. He was not that a bad roomy. Within two years with him I knew what I could expect out of him and he did confide in me a lot. We would sit in the verandah talking things that really did`nt matter our engineering study but really brought us closer.

He was the favourite student of HT( Hemalatha Thyagarajan – Others would say Hyper Tension). Students used to piss in their parents in her class and this guy would be talking hours together with this lady. For people in BIM I can give a small intro about this lady. She had commented seeing Prof. M. Sankar that after a long time she had seen someone really worth talking to in OR.
Bosh was good in Statistics and Communication Papers. He was a State topper in Statistics. Annova table he says he did it in 11th standard. Guys I don’t remember a thing I studied in second trimester.

Bosh and I did a lot of things together. Did a project – Let me tell you the topic of the project that we tried doing in the three months given to us. “Target Tracking in a cluttered environment using JPDAF filter” – oooh..Guess Giri will appreciate me for having said this far but pardon me if I got it wrong. All we managed to do is another side project – learnt and got a license for a four wheeler. I guess the only test I managed to pass and the only thing in 4 years I deserved to pass.

We had a blast while doing that project. Giri would make fun of Bosh for those stories that Bosh would spin around. In-between those times spending in understanding the Greek and Latin that was there in the prescribed book by some Israeli Author we would hear the songs on my Disc man that Bosh mentions in the mail he sent to me.

As I write this blog I mailed Giri to find out the book and the author and he sincerely replies Tracking and Data estimation - by Yaakov Bar Shalom.
Giri himself needs a separate blog as well.

We traveled back and forth to REC from Chennai a lot of times together. Once we traveled sitting on the bus foot board. We had to hop buses as it was some season for marriage and all buses were running full.

I remember well once I dreamt of AB Vajpayee the then Prime Minister coming and visiting sick Bhaskar. There was no logic behind that dream. Neither I nor Bosh had any links with the Sang Pariwar. It was just that for a week he was lying on the bed ill.

There have been many instances but I know the memories that are there aren’t showing up on this post.

“I am capable of more and deserve a lot less”

- My 4 years in college had been like this. I knew I could do better but without effort I got a lot. Like the job in the final year or the group of people I treasure.