Tolerance and trust on the road...but we have lost it where it matters

I always felt Indians exhibit a lot of tolerance and trust while they drive a car or ride a bike on the road. The way a auto follows a bike or a bike slips through two cars or a government bus overtakes from the left to find its own way through the so called pedestrian space is amazing.

Perumal Murugan threatened, Ghar wapsi,, Hindu rightwing threatening in open the general public and the minority facist threating the majority silent spectators....all signs of weakening democracy and taking our freedom for granted.

Discontented India in second decade of twentieth century led to The Non-Cooperation Movement in 1920-22....A century has gone by...there aren`t enough leaders and followers to do a 'REPEAT'....Being silent and not letting the ones belief known, that the virtues that our societal fabric was once made of, is our biggest SIN today. Today, freedom of speech, tolerance are like shooting star that one keeps gazing the sky for and it appears once in a hundred years and vanishes in seconds.

Not that the 1920-22 movement bought us freedom but it did bring a change in the way world looked at us...

There is many a difference between then and now...
We are a discontented India now alright (in pockets based on our own convenience) but we are more selfish with a lot more public apathy than we were before. During one of those rare conversations on politics my wife said Freedom actually meant equal opportunity for the people of the state to do what they wanted (Food, Health, Education, Business). She learnt it from her father. Being in Tamilnadu (one of the states in India), I used to believe that as I grew up I was never denied my freedom. But is  it the same for everyone around the country. How different would it be for me if I were in Dandewada / Koraput or Sopore? But how many of us who have the freedom think of those without.
But then when incidents like that of Perumal Murugans happens in your own peace loving state, be ready to face the music one day at your own home I tell myself and near and dear ones.

There were cast based / community based leaders then but atleast they were consistent with their stand / their political agenda and their followers could really anticipate their next move. Today’s leaders (I am not even comfortable using the word leader for the current bunch - suggest a word for me to replace) are full of surprises each day that it’s difficult for anyone to connect with them. Its been quiet a while I have had a inspirational leader in India. There are many who do easy corrupt the social fabric and make good for themselves.




I am an eternal optimist and I am eager to look forward to a time when I will find a society that is more inclusive, that shows more empathy and listens to one another with patience, and speaks without fear. I am looking forward for my daughter and her generation to shape it. And in that effort I hope I can atleast shape, and instill the required humane values in her.


I pray (as a rationalist) borrowing words from Rabindranth Tagore:


Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high
Where knowledge is free
Where the world has not been broken up into fragments
By narrow domestic walls
Where words come out from the depth of truth
Where tireless striving stretches its arms towards perfection
Where the clear stream of reason has not lost its way
Into the dreary desert sand of dead habit
Where the mind is led forward by thee
Into ever-widening thought and action
Into that heaven of freedom, my Father,
let my country awake.

How difficult is parenting with the Facebook generation

Parenting was a blog that I had written in 2005 / 06 cherishing everything my parents had done for me with whatever limited resource they had. They had lived a life that had set it up for me to take things forward. Let it be the friendship that my father cherished with his Ex-Serviceman colleagues / family or the many marriages my parents would fight each other for and get them done. They gave me the freedom to choose most of the things. Even now I fail to understand how open hearted my mother was when it came to me discussing about me and Chitra for the first time. She gave me the confidence to confide with her even before I could propose to Chitra. But if you ask me how that confidence came about, I do not have a clue.


Years later I went back to my institute to interact with the 12th standard students. Things have changed in many a ways from the times when I used to go to school.

We provided with a bi-cycle and courage to cycle through the 2 and half kilometer to school crossing a main road. Let me be modest here; neither there was no much traffic then nor was the traffic signal that you see today. My Mother would look through the window every evening when it was time to come back home. She was scared to send me alone but she did both when I used the electric train when I was in my 5th grade or the bike when I was in my 11th. No cell phones were available then. Now, Parents come and drop their kids (who would go on to vote in a year or two). They wait to get permission for their wards to attend classes because their son / daughter did not write their examination that was mandatory. The students then were more open and be loud with what they thought was right with the world in general but now the boys don`t manage to maintain eye contact. I felt really uncomfortable when a bunch of boys started to look down when I tried to meet their eye. It was just a friendly interaction. I get to hear that the boys being shy and timid is so common even with the faculty they know well.

Are the current batch of students (facebook era) so very different from what we (hotmail era) were? Why is that I feel there a strong connect between the first and the second para? May be I am making an assumption here and a broad generalization: The comforts that today’s parents provide and lack of quality time as a family that they spend is one major cause for students to not look at real people and see for a source of entertainment that may not be always real. My sample has been restricted to the bunch of kids I saw today. I need more time with more kids but I was really disturbed with what it felt like being one among them or seeing them.

The best of my friends are inspired and have been made in every aspect by their parents. One of my very good friends from my CAT preparation days would say that the independence and confidence her parents gave her always made her take the right choices in life. The Simplicity that another friend of mine (whom I have immense respect for) from REC exhibits is very much derived from his parents. He refuses to use a mobile even now though he is part of the value chain that produces the micro processor chips for a leading cell phone maker. He has two landline numbers – one at his office and the other at his home.

2004 December – I was amazed to see a bunch of kids just out of school taking responsibility and running to volunteer for tsunami relief work and that was quality 10-12 days I spent with them, I cherish even now. I also know of people who are trying to do a lot of interesting work who are much younger than me (gmail era) and much better off to face the world than I was / I am even now. For me the big question is, has things changed in the last 3-5 years? Hope it’s not as bad as I think.

Do naina Ek Kahaani

Not sure of an all time favorite movie but I think Naseeruddin Shah would be one of my all time best actors...

Just happened to see a program on an old movie that NS acted ages back, a film called Masoom. It was the first movie of Shekar Kapur. NS says in an interview says that Shekar Kapur then was a failed actor and he was a friend who agreed to work on the movie to help him out. But was it a help extended to Shekar or NS helped himself.

Jugal Hansraj in that movie fitted the character so well. His innocent eyes helped him to connect with the audience so easily. One of my favorite songs from the movie just takes off showing his pair of eyes. The lyrics and the song was a big hit. I think Gulzar and RD Burman together as a pair was the nicest thing to happen to Hindi cinema.

Check out the song on youtube and I think you`ll agree

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MZL_dpb_6Lo

Do nainaa aaur yek kahaanee

thodaa saa baadal

thodaa saa paanee

aaur yek kahaanee

chhotee see do zeelon mein

wo bahatee rahatee hai

koee sune yaa naa sune

kahatee rahatee hai

kuchh likh ke aaur kuchh jubaanee

thodee sai hain jaanee huyee

thodee see nayee

jahaa ruke aansoo

wahee pooree ho gayee

hai to nayee fir bhee hain puraanee

yek khatm ho to

doosaree yaad aa jaatee hai

hothhon pe fir bhoolee huyee

baat aa jaatee hai

do nainon kee hain ye kahaanee

Time bound....duty bound...

shall start writing in while......

vetti...

Its two weeks since we left college. I haven’t done anything substantial since I left college yeah one could ask if we did anything better back in campus? But I would argue I at least had a routine. Back there in Nehru Nagar I would get up latest by 9:30 -10 run for my breakfast; if there were some class scheduled, show up the face and be back for lunch. Try to escape the heat by running back to the room or get into the AC of NNAC or the library. Then wait for the tea time. Run from room to room to check if there are enough people to play football. The best time at the campus was being spent in the ground playing footer.
Then get cleaned to eat the night dinner. In-between these busy schedules have time to have the brief mokkai sessions (couple of hours).

Contrary to such a planned and scheduled life it’s now a chaos. Can I call chaos? Everyday after get up late at 10 I really start thinking how the day will be spent. There are a lot of thought of how my future will be, that takes a lot of my time!! But still I don’t know what is next in store for me.
I switch on the computer and get online to check if some known face is online. At the same time the TV is on. Though India is out of world cup I find a reason to spend at least 4-5 hours on the cricket match. Yeah in-between Rooney helped me in spending some good time with his wonderful one touch.

At last I have heard from my company and my manager wants me to join a bit early than others. So it might be May 7th THE DAY ill be joining office. It’s my second stint in my life as a working professional. Have mixed feelings, can’t wait to join but experience says don’t expect too much so not that very anxious as well. I am as confusing as ever I guess. Next on year will be critical in my life I know this fact for sure.

Yesterday was a break from the order in the chaotic life that was there since 14th April. I went to my native village, its 20 kms from Thiruvarur. For those who haven’t heard of the place it’s called the Tank City, Famous for Thyagaraja Swamigal (one of the great composers in Carnatic music) and temples. I was there after 10 years and it was a great feeling. My amma tells me proudly that their city is where the present Chief Minister is from. This is obviously visible with the development that has happened over the years. I say “their town” for the simple reason that I have grown in Chennai all my life doesn’t seem to be my town. Still I feel connected to the place.

While I walked on one of the streets of the native village one old lady recognized the family tree I belonged to then said, “Where ever you people are now, you belong to this soil”.
“Cliché” one would say after reading this line but I realized how much people feel for their native place, the place where they really belong to. I felt guilty a hundred times for not having gone back to my village all these years.

I have always wanted to get settled in a village after retirement (early retirement by 40). But I know it won’t be easy. I realized how tough talking to my cousin who takes care of all our farm land. The whole village depends on the water which comes from the canal. The canal is fed by the river cauvery. When I managed to muster enough courage I asked my cousin how many of youngsters of my age (if you people would only agree being 26 is not that old) are still in the village. He sadly said hand few. Most of them either have left after graduating and finding greener pastures or finding it tough in the village went to Thirupur (where Nike t shirts are made) as working labor. So if people in Karnataka Assembly are listening I did see how dry the lands were. This is after good rains last year.

Good thing is the people have not lost all their hope..

Reason we went to our native place was to pray for the family.
We went to three temples : in Ettu kudi – Murugan(Son of Lord Shiva), Thirukovalai - “Kula deivam – Angalamman “ (Kula deivam is family deity) and Mohanoor – Mariamman. I now know where their hope comes from - their faith that GOD has not left earth.

Some more of quotes to add...

This is from the Night Shyamalan movie "Signs"
This is a conversation where Mel Gibson is talking to his brother after a threat from external terrestrials... the tv news reports of a body in the sky in the night with 14 lights over major cities of the world...

People.... break down into two groups ...when they experience something lucky…..group number 1 sees it as more than luck more than coincidence they see as a sign ...evidence, that there is someone up there watching out for them

group no 2 sees that as just pure luck.. happy turn of chance... am sure that people in group no 2 are looking at that 14 lights in a very suspicious way ...for them the situation is a 50 50 ..can be bad can
be good ...but deep down they feel that whatever happens ...they are on their own ..and that fills them with fear.. yeah ...there are those
people

but there is whole lot of people in the group no 1..they see those 14 lights ...they are looking at a miracle and deep down they feel that
whatever is going to happen there will be someone there to help them and that fills them with hope...

to which you have to ask yourselves what kind of person are you...are you the kind who sees the signs or sees miracles... or do you believe that people can just get lucky or look at the question this way is it possible that there are no coincidences...

Some nice quotes

One thing I have started to do recently in BIM is watching a lot of movies.... these movies I would have never even tried if I were to be given a choice. Many of them turn ...actually most of them turn out to be a good movie. I am here quoting a few dialougues which I thought are really great.

I think this one is from "King Arthur"

"Deeds in themselves are meaningless unless they have some higher
purpose... there is no worse death than the end of hope..."

"you and I are not the polite people who live in just poems...we are blessed and cursed by our times..purhaps the curse is in our own
making.."

This one from "Coach Carter"

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us
Your playing small does not serve the world
There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other
people won’t feel insecure around you
We were all meant to shine as children do
Its not just in some of us but its in everyone
As we let our own lives shine we unconsciously give
other people permission to do the same
As we are liberated from our own fear
Our presence automatically liberates others

This movie is a must watch movie - "The Beautiful Mind". I think the hero in the movie is John Nash's wife. If not for her patience and faith John Nash 's life would have disappeared among many other ordinary lives. This is the dialogue that John speaks after he gets his Nobel Prize.

I have always believed in numbers. The equations and logics and the
need to reason and after a life time of such pursuits I ask what truly is logic? who decides reason?

My quest is taken … physical, metaphysical through delusion…I have made the most important discovery of my career…. most important
discovery of my life… it is only in the mysterious equations of love that any logical reasons can be found.. I am only here because of you… you are the reason I am… you are all my reasons..

This one again one of my favourite movie called the DEAD POET SOCIETY

"i went to the woods because i wanted to live deliberately. i wanted to
live deep and suck out all the marrow of life! to put to rout all that was not life, and not when i came to die, discover that i have not lived"

The kodai Trip... 850 kms in 4 days...4 bikes and 6 people

girl before and after a marriage

just try control A or select all on the image

an incomplete post...

Usually we classify people as ‘the haves’ and ‘the have nots’. But on what basis do we classify them. I have been telling a lot of my friends that I am a changed man after the year 2000. It did really take me years of introspective analysis to realise that a person’s character hinges on the set of beliefs and concepts that he subscribes to. Hence true poverty is not materialistic poverty but conceptual poverty. The fewer ideas that there are in a person’s vocabulary the less likely would be the person’s ability to explore life. The fewer ideas that are within a person’s grasp, the more narrow and prejudiced will be his outlook on life.

Every thinking person is a philosopher in a way. The sole purpose a philosophers statement is abstract I think is to create as much idea and perception about the subject that the philosopher is trying to convey. Either an idea can be experienced or can be conceived by logical thought. The thinker is dependent on his imagination and prejudice when trying to stretch his ideas to fit aspects of reality that he has never experienced.

This opens up another dimension of philosophy – the relationship between philosophy and psychology. I found this one from the internet when I was trying to understand both these Ps.

Psychology works with need.

Philosophy works with truth.

To explain the above consider this question “Why do we exist?” (What is the meaning of life?) Our consciousness doesn’t even understand if this is a scientific question or philosophical one. Considering that science doesn’t attempt to deal with this question we can say there are two pertaining questions that arise for a intellectual understanding of the question –why do we exist?

What is the psychological motivation of the inquirer?
What is the philosophical answer to the actual question?

I think the best way of answering a lot of these questions is through a question
Both factors have to be explored if wisdom is to be attained. Only by answering Q1 first can we be assured that the answer to Q2 is not supplied just by the imagination. It is not easy to state the difference between need and truth, and in practice it is very hard to separate them. In fact there is only one way to separate them, and that is to be committed to finding a first-hand answer by living one’s ideas. Such intense life experience usually separates truth from need.

Richard Gere

I have seen his movies... Primal Fear, The unfaithful, Pretty Woman
I have seen two of his interviews and he reinforces my belief that he is much more than the usual Hollywood actor, who just speak what they prepare to speak because they are a public figure.
This guy talks out his conviction. He talks about music, he talks of philosophy, he talks about Buddhism, he talks about gymnastics and he talks about movies.
shall be posting soon...

wait for two things.. One about how this guys gives fascinating replies to the questions posed at him and another subject he lead me into "subjective Idealism".. look out for my post..
its time for me to blog more...

Travelolving...

It was a usual evening in a MBA course. Suddenly you hear a day off. I was in no mood to try studying the whole day and I thought of different ways of spending the day. I made my mind to go to Pollachi, my second home. My uncle’s house was at Thenkumarapalayam a beautiful village around 15 kilometers from Pollachi. The first bus to the village was around 4:45 in the morning. I reached the place by 3:15 which was real early.
Like before I watched the busy activity at the Bus stand. There were news paper agents trying to segregate newspapers for different place. It was a Sunday so they had to even take care of the supplementary sheets. Many a time at BIM I have seen people throw their other frustrations at the paper boy. The news paper agents had to ensure that their boys are safe from the Elite class of people who sit and read news paper without even think how it reaches them.

Growing population is reflected by the activity that you can see in many of these public spaces. You have limited bus service for the number of people who travel. As soon as you see the sight of bus coming into the bus stand you can see the bus being mobbed by the people waiting to find a place for themselves inside the bus. “Kursi khi moh kiskho nahi”. Everybody likes to have a seat in this country. You actually try to avoid seeing the sight as you would feel if someone will get hurt trying to find a place to sit inside the bus.

This is not the only instant when I would want the people to be safe. While traveling on a bus every time I see someone putting their hand or head outside the window inadvertently I have asked them not to. Not everyone listens to you, so I generally take up a seat in the left hand side so that I even I avoid seeing someone do that against a roaring truck or a bus from the opposite side. It is not just with people I don’t know.
Once I asked my friend not to stand close to the edge of the platform and I certainly knew what would be response (“JC I have traveled by train before and I can look after myself “) but I couldn’t stop.

At last I got the bus at 5:10 and reached home by 6 am.

Traveling has given me time and opportunity to think and reflect on lot of things. It is during travel I find I spend a lot of time with my self. Some people go to sleep; others read a book while traveling. If with people I enjoy their company or else I am in deep thoughts while looking at the scenic beauty. It was during this time I think I started to think a lot of issues which I would have left unnoticed. I would think where I was heading to and what I would do? (Not in the literal sense!)

It is no exaggeration if I say that I have traveled to all corners of India. There are certain things you need to experience to feel the real essence. Like what it means to say - India is Diverse. The real meaning of this three worded sentence is best understood if you have experienced the different people, the places and not to forget the food.

There are cities like Mumbai which creates a fear in you of getting lost. (For those who are new to the city). There are many friends of mine who are absolutely in love with the city. I was moving from one platform to another carrying my big luggage that a local metro train reached the platform. I found a big human wave sweeping the foot over (over bridge). I felt that I would get lost in a city like Mumbai.

There have been other places where you would love the tranquility you get with the settings you find yourself. Nashik and Darjeeling were such places. If you had a choice you would want a home in places like these. Kerala for that matter would amaze you the greenery. So many beaches and waterfalls but still it doesn’t bore you.

During a commissioning assignment I had to visit a place called Jeypore. (No typo error, it is a place in Orissa Koraput district and not the Pink city). The district has been identified as one of the most backward districts in the country. The company was so generous that we were made to stay at the best hotel in the area which wasn’t that good. I would never forget the Dosa I ate there. A Dosa which was half baked with some smell of Fermented barley. Never did I try a south Indian dish again. But yeah the parathas that were available on the roadside were amazing.

I would remember Calcutta for its rasgollas, beautiful ladies and Kali temple; Delhi for its wide roads, old buildings and the bazaars; Bangalore for just one reason, it hosts a lot of my friends.

I have always liked the village side for its lush green fields and the friendly people.

It is during the travel that you get to meet people. Every time I traveled in train there would be nice cute kid in our bogie. Once from Chennai to Calcutta and the other from Mumbai to Bangalore through the Western Ghats- I discovered my passion for photography during these travels. The pictures I tool during my Darjeeling trips were a big hit. If not for my philanthropic assistance to my friends I would have made good money had I sold those pictures at school.

Things are different now. I like to drive my Bullet for long distances. My three months new Bullet has already taken a ride from Chennai to Trichy (330 Kms) and to and fro ride to Madurai (from Trichy 280 Kms in all). I just love the machine. Last few weeks we have been touring the temples nearby. History, cultural heritage, language and temples are so much to do with each other. India with so much of places to offer (heritage sites), big coast lines punctuate with so many beaches India attracts tourist lesser than the tiny SriLanka. Guess the B School grads should look at this as an opportunity and make a business plan.

Traveling, biking, photography really goes with my passion of being connected with people, nature and India.

what does the "I" want from "me"

It is almost 2 weeks since I am back in campus. Three months at home. It was a well needed break. I had a lot of outings with friends and cousins. How can I forget the people at EY? They were amazing. When I was sitting idle at home I just wanted to be back in campus. Now I am where I wanted to be!! I wanted the remaining one year to be the most hardworking and fruitful year.

BIM hasn't given me the happiness I was looking for. You can create an ambience of hope and motivation but Motivation has to come from within - they say.

I sit now analyze why this feeling of helpless in me on the day when Marwar- a event spanning over a week came to a end. It is already 0230 hours.

I love people who have opinions.
I love people who are independent.
I love people who stand for their values.
I love people who can speak their minds.

I hate indecisions. I am the most confused myself these days. I just don’t want to say I hate myself. I feel my happiness lies outside in others which I know is wrong. I have been questioning my values. I feel a hypocrite so many times trying to speak my mind.

Couple of days back had the best outing for long time. We left by 8 in the morning and were back by evening 6. Such a joy ride it was with 6 other wonderful people but once I was back in campus I was like feeling void.
I have no complains but still this feeling is weird.

What does the 'I' want from 'me' is the question I ask myself the most?

I am not worried about my placements. Nor I am worried about the Grade points slipping a couple of decimals. So what is that I want? If only I knew what I want I think I will be on the driver’s seat. Being not in control bothers me.

These days I have been trying to do a lot of different things. But none of these have come to my rescue so far. I hate cribbing but the same time no harm in trying to find what is wrong.

I had similar things in mind years ago. What if I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up? What if I didn't want to grow up at all? Then, in absolute distress, I imagined myself as my own, personal shrink. I saw myself reclining on my couch. Then I asked, "Why are you scared? I mean, reallyscared." That was a hard one, but I answered bravely: "More than anything, I'm afraid to fail." It was one of those translucently transcendent moments--almost an epiphany, when I knew I was being honest with myself. What scared me most was the possibility of letting people down--especially me.

You see, I discovered something so obvious it seems ridiculous to mention. isn't it?

I know that most of my energy goes in this contemplation. These are not a waste I know. I have evolved through such a thought process number of times. But this time I don’t know how to think? What to think? But I know why to think. I have to contemplate to find out the answer for this one question. What does the ‘I’ want from the ‘me’?

Such a nice song while ending this blog....

"Krishna nee begane baro...."

"Sweet" Mail

One fine day I get this mail. All I utter is 'so sweet'. I then forward this to a friend asking for the reaction and reply 'sweet mail'. I get this mail after a long time from one of my close friends- Bhaskar

What's up?
You remember we used to listen to one Colonial Cousins CD again and again in 2nd year. What was the album called? I want to buy it. I suddenly miss those days, and I want to recreate as much of it as possible. I have already got Alai Paayuthe and Kannathil Muththamitaal cassettes. And I have the project report on my centre table. There is still no way I can play cricket in the corridor, though.

I am trying to relive those times in this blog. Won`t be successful but I am happy trying. Bhaskar got his name Bosh from me in the first year. But god knows why people started attributing a lot of reasons why he got his name BO for him being from the Bong(Bengali) land and ……..the rest another story.

He is working far from home, alone, really alone.

We shared the room in the second year. It was supposed that in the second year the room was allocated for only 4 but we were 5 people staying in that. Each of the five people were very different from the other. One was real crazy guy. You need a separate blog for him.

Bosh- he needs an introduction. He started learning Mridhangam (percussion instrument) when he was three years old. I heard from his parents that he broke the arm rest of the small chair that was meant for him So his parents bought him a Mridhangam and then he started his journey with music. I think one reason he stayed with me in the second year was seeing my collection of hindi and tamil songs I had in the first year. Greedy intention but I didn’t mind. He was not that a bad roomy. Within two years with him I knew what I could expect out of him and he did confide in me a lot. We would sit in the verandah talking things that really did`nt matter our engineering study but really brought us closer.

He was the favourite student of HT( Hemalatha Thyagarajan – Others would say Hyper Tension). Students used to piss in their parents in her class and this guy would be talking hours together with this lady. For people in BIM I can give a small intro about this lady. She had commented seeing Prof. M. Sankar that after a long time she had seen someone really worth talking to in OR.
Bosh was good in Statistics and Communication Papers. He was a State topper in Statistics. Annova table he says he did it in 11th standard. Guys I don’t remember a thing I studied in second trimester.

Bosh and I did a lot of things together. Did a project – Let me tell you the topic of the project that we tried doing in the three months given to us. “Target Tracking in a cluttered environment using JPDAF filter” – oooh..Guess Giri will appreciate me for having said this far but pardon me if I got it wrong. All we managed to do is another side project – learnt and got a license for a four wheeler. I guess the only test I managed to pass and the only thing in 4 years I deserved to pass.

We had a blast while doing that project. Giri would make fun of Bosh for those stories that Bosh would spin around. In-between those times spending in understanding the Greek and Latin that was there in the prescribed book by some Israeli Author we would hear the songs on my Disc man that Bosh mentions in the mail he sent to me.

As I write this blog I mailed Giri to find out the book and the author and he sincerely replies Tracking and Data estimation - by Yaakov Bar Shalom.
Giri himself needs a separate blog as well.

We traveled back and forth to REC from Chennai a lot of times together. Once we traveled sitting on the bus foot board. We had to hop buses as it was some season for marriage and all buses were running full.

I remember well once I dreamt of AB Vajpayee the then Prime Minister coming and visiting sick Bhaskar. There was no logic behind that dream. Neither I nor Bosh had any links with the Sang Pariwar. It was just that for a week he was lying on the bed ill.

There have been many instances but I know the memories that are there aren’t showing up on this post.

“I am capable of more and deserve a lot less”

- My 4 years in college had been like this. I knew I could do better but without effort I got a lot. Like the job in the final year or the group of people I treasure.

is this me

this is after a long long time...
thought i would atleast give out something about myself...tell me if its true

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have medium extroversion. You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party. Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences. But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time." Conscientiousness: You have medium conscientiousness. You're generally good at balancing work and play. When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done. But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it. Agreeableness: You have high agreeableness. You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly. Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone. You give people the benefit of the doubt and don't mind giving someone a second chance. Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism. You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic. Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy. Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high. In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas. You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits. A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test

Test To See If You Are Color Blind

Rang Barse beege chunawali rang barse...







little frustrating loading these files and that too with a lot of effort ...all the pictures i was loading were upside down...

...it was fun taking pictures..imagine how much fun it was playing holi.

How can I leave the blog with just the pictures so some thoughts. I was reading about colors once I got hold of these pictures, my experimentation after a long time with the SLR camera.

Are Colors Significant?

Only for the sighted or only if one isn't color-blind. For those of us blessed with sight, we've been taught that colors can make us feel good, excite us, generate fear and joy, or literally make us nauseated. As long as we attach a certain meaning to a particular color, colors will remain to be significant.

Close your eyes and feel the warmth of the sun, or taste a "red-hot" candy, or feel the fear of thunder and the crackle of lightning. Hold a newborn baby in your arms. Feel a puppy or kitten. The next time you attend a wedding, close your eyes to shut out any color. Is the wedding any less meaningful? Colorless raindrops need not be seen or heard to know they give renewed life to the earth or feel wonderful on your skin. What we feel inside doesn't require color.

Bloody who asked you to close your eyes? The real world is outside, when the eyes are open. (Am I right?)

The essence of a dialogues from matrix in this context ...

If real world is what we see, touch, taste, feel, hear, or smell then is real world just not electrical signals sent to the brain?

It is said that Dreams that we see are colorless. How does it matter?

I am not sure what message I conveyed but the pictures on this blog are full of colors. I am not color blind. I can see the colors!!

praying from inside the cockpit

It was just another examination morning till the time I went to pray after my bath. For me praying has been a ritual, I mean reason I prayed was because I believed there was strength, a force that was beyond our reasoning and science. I am spiritual but not really religious.

What was new about praying today? I prayed for once “Let me get what I deserve”.
I finished my prayers and remembered I hadn’t prepared that well for my exams. I had to finish four more chapters of my portions and what did I utter to my god almighty “Let me get what I deserve!!”
I have never thought so far whether my prayers have been heard by GOD but I prayed.

I have prayed for my father when he was not doing well.
I prayed for my brother when he was getting married. “Oh God Save Anna!!” Just kidding. It was a usual prayer to keep him healthy and prosperous with Anni, nothing else intended.
I have prayed for my friends.
I remember a prayer from school. Some how I picked up this one line from the prayer. Guess being in my adolescence this one line appealed to me. It said “Oh lord, lead us not into temptations but deliver us from evil”. I prayed for happiness around me.
Recently I have been praying for Ashwin.
My prayer has been simple so far.

The prayer for today came from no where. I feel the today’s prayer meant I would be prepared for anything that would come my way. I was as though asking: Give me whatever I work for; bless me with whatever I deserve. I have never believed in fate. Believing in fate means as a person you are not in control of your life.

When we pray we are most of the times greedy in what we want. Having asked for what I deserve makes me feel like a king. Someone who can have what he needs.Again I hope it is not just the state of mind. I don’t want to find this feeling to be one of those mood swings. I hope I can pray like this all day.

I am just feeling like sitting in the cockpit. Full control!!

By the way I phod phaded the exam today. Didn’t know I deserved this much!!!

Matrix reloaded, What about me???

AM I THE ONE? Keanu Reeves would definitely mind such a question. A blog inspired by the Trilogy ..that is all.

My good friend pointed out that there was something that was unusual for the past three- four days but I believed there was something wrong with me since my mid term got over.
Neither I have the answer what is wrong with me nor does my friend. I came to my room as confused as I was before.

“Matrix Reloaded” was on HBO; one good thing about not being in Chennai is that you get these channels without a problem.
I have always loved the one liner in the first part “The matrix”. I have seen my friends going crazy over the whole philosophy of the trilogy. The very first time I could appreciate the dialogues between the protagonist and his mentor (Neo and Morpheus).

There is one such dialogue sequence when both these characters meet for the first time.

Morpheus: I imagine that right now, you're feeling a bit like Alice. Hmm? Tumbling down the rabbit hole?
Neo: You could say that.
Morpheus: I see it in your eyes. You have the look of a man who accepts what he sees because he is expecting to wake up. Ironically, that's not far from the truth. Do you believe in fate, Neo?
Neo: No.
Morpheus: Why not?
Neo: Because I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my life.
Morpheus: I know *exactly* what you mean. Let me tell you why you're here. You're here because you know something. What you know you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it your entire life, that there's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but its there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me

Every word that Morpheus utters seems to suit my state of mind this moment.
I am no Neo but I always have believed that we as individuals are in control of our lives. Some change in me? Yes …No… My friend doesn’t accept when I say I am a confused being now. All I am being told is that I am not my usual self. Guess this is the root of the problem now. I am not in the driver’s seat.

Now I shall leave what I am not and what I shall be after writing the blog to time, I'll better try to continue with the Wonderful dialogues of the movie. I was just telling the other day to one of my friend that what are being told in the film through these dialogues are real HR (philosophies and human psychology) concepts and more of them from the Indian context.

Indian philosophies in a Hollywood film?? For instance Matrix talks a lot about rebirth.

Oracle: OK, now I'm supposed to say, "Hmm, that's interesting, but..." then you say...
Neo: ..."but what?"
Oracle: But... you already know what I'm going to tell you.
Neo: I'm not The One.
Oracle: Sorry, kid. You got the gift, but it looks like you're waiting for something.
Neo: What?
Oracle: Your next life, maybe. Who knows? That's the way these things go.

There are a lot these favorites of mine. For example I like this one from Agent smith where he talks about Human race similar to Virus. Even the villain says the truth and he has philosophies. You know the Lanka king Ravana in Ramayan was said to be more learned and scholarly person than Ram.

Agent Smith: I'd like to share a revelation that I've had during my time here. It came to me when I tried to classify your species. I realized that you're not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment, but you humans do not. You move to an area, and you multiply, and multiply, until every natural resource is consumed. The only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet, you are a plague, and we are the cure.

We never live in harmony with the environment like other living beings, do we? And guess what we study Environmental management.

Read this one about life. Just can’t be really more precise than this one statement.

Neo: Why am I here?
The Architect: Your life is the sum of a remainder of an unbalanced equation inherent to the programming of the matrix.

People can derive a lot of meaning. For people who haven’t seen the trilogy -Matrix is the unreal world. The matrix was programmed by the “Architect”. You can compare the programming of the matrix to the design of life. Though this is against my belief of being in control of ones life what I see in this one line is that there are external influences that affect the course of life. But we are just talking of the remainders; I feel the life is more than sum of these remainders, there are factors that are controlled by us that also matter.

Today in class as and when I was hearing some verbs and adjectives I was writing it down. With it I was pairing another word. The rule was simple for pairing, just make some sense, some relation between the words paired. Some of them were

Relationship- effort; Illusion-knowledge; Company- assets; belief-hope;

trade offs – Strong wins.

I really didn’t know that there were dialogues that conveyed the same meaning as I did with these pair of words. I was thinking of the word choice as a privilege of the haves. And went on to write this pair of words Trade offs – strong Wins. In the movie we have:

Merovingian: Choice is an illusion created between those with power and those without.

Hey I had written another pair of words that finds a dialogue in the film though not explicit.......
..The pair of words was Illusion-knowledge and the dialogue

Spoon boy: Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead... only try to realize the truth.
Neo: What truth?
Spoon boy: There is no spoon.
Neo: There is no spoon?
Spoon boy: Then you'll see that it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself.

Before I conclude, why is it I dig deep into a lot of things?

I was saying today “I say Hi to a lot of people even though I really don’t mean saying it"

Why did I say that.... can I free my mind of thoughts... if that was possible I won’t be writing blogs. :)

To be continued for it has become too long a blog.

Avantika... needs help

It was a Sunday morning 6 O’clock. It was the Indian republic day but it was a insignificant day in the alien land. Her eyes just opened and she closed them tightly. Also the grip on her pillow tightened. She didn’t want to wake up. Last night she had a tough time getting sleep. She did sleep after 4 hours of struggle. She did everything possible – counting numbers from 1 to 1000, the alphabets in the reverse order, she would also tell her lower level maths multiplication tables to sleep. She really hated them then.

There has been very less occasions where Avantika had made a decision in haste. She in a lot of instances has believed that no decision is better than a bad decision. Indecisions have never made her feel so bad for the past 23 years of her life. For quite sometime say about a week Avantika has not been the person she is. She believed that she was living for someone else, not for herself. She was living for that someone, who would have not even made a difference in her life if asked couple of days back. Knowing this fact was not something that was comfortable to her.

She thought " she was not living, not even surviving but just existing"

She was contradicting herself. She was a strong believer that relationships are built over time. She valued her parents so much. While all these things happened she really missed her Appa – Amma.

…………………………………………………………………………………………

Avantika was a bright student in her college and like anyone else wanted to really make it big in her career in medicine. After a lot of effort and pain of writing the sequence of exams she had her admissions in US. She left India on June 11th 2002. The whole Chennai airport was cordoned by policemen. A politician was coming back from US and there was an arrest warrant against him on account of the new legislation to curb terrorism. Political vendetta had caused Avantika from seeing her parents while she boarded the flight.

Avantika was a girl who was matured for her age. Though she could take things as they came she did feel bad of the change in plans. She had some silly but important things to be told to her parents, she had a gift for her Dad and Mom. But situation demanded her to leave for security check even as her heart felt she should stay for some more time with her parents.

She recorded what she thought in her diary during the long and tiring flight. It was a mixed feeling. One she felt responsible for herself more and felt really free. Second felt deprived of her strength that she saw in her parents. Air India offered a good Indian food but she was in no mood to eat. If it was some other occasion she would have emptied the food tray in minutes. It was an 18 hour travel.

Page in her diary that day read:

11 June 2002
Vaiko arrested. Does that matter? Yes. My foot.

I am leaving India. Does that matter? Yes. Yes yes it surely does. Flying is an expression of joy, not anymore – I would remember this flight of 18 hours every time I think of flying. A new alien land, whether it welcomes me or not shall be my new home. Family and friends who were there at every step of my life so far would be there for me just through sound signals. But these would be the signals giving me energy for the next two years.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

She had to get up because of a phone call from her friend. She was informed that she had to attend a session in her school on Chemical pathology. She thought there was no need for her to understand what the bodily fluids did to her body. Previously she thought that most of the feeling in human body is because of these bodily fluids.

"Every Human reaction is hormonal" she said.

She would always quote the dialogue from "Ayutha Ezhuthu" (Yuva) . The protagonist explains to his fiance about what makes a realtion between the man and the woman before the famous song of Adnan Sami.

She would always found a logic behind anything. She felt there was a reason behind every human behavior and that it was all physiological. Now she is being made to think the other way.
Now she thought there is something that can’t be explained by Man.

Her parents have always taught her jealousy was something that was really bad. But now she felt jealous for one particular reason. Every time she was jealous she told to herself not to. Her moral fiber always felt that being jealous is bad. But now she feels it is ok to be jealous.

Before she leaves for school she writes her diary, the only company from the time she came to the alien land.

The diary reads:

26 Jan 2003

Indian republic day today: 53 years India has been republic. What has it achieved?

100 Billion Population.
Reproduction at the rate of adding Australian population to the Indian Subcontinent.

It has one achievement to boast. Sending engineers and doctors to work for the US multinationals.

Hey, until this time I thought I would write only good things about India. I feel it is my state of mind that I am reflecting. I see the only dark spot on the white sheet. I am jealous when I see him talk to someone other than me. Is this jealousy good? He was nothing to me until now but is making me feel this way. He was like anyone else. He was like Dr. Gunasekaran who assisted me in my laboratory or else he was like the postman to whom I talk about American politics. At least the postman brought me letters from home. What has He done to me? Except that Raj makes me feel good when he is around me.

Dare to dream...

The views mentioned are personal not to make a mockery of anything. But people have the liberty to think of anything after they read the blog.

I was chatting with a friend and was asked about my dreams. The dreams my friend referred was of about my future but all it reminded me was of the amazing and unique dream I have had. Why I call my dreams unique is because I feel the dreams that you have in your sleep are manifestations of the reality around you. If I am going through an emotion or an experience it is not the same for someone else. Every dream that we have is connected with the reality. I think if one pondered about the kind of dreams they are having they can really understand their cognitive structure. More than anything they can really arrive at answers to questions that have been disturbing them. I think interpretation of dreams is a subject in itself that will take an entire blog.

Yesterday night I went to bed a bit early at 12:30 so that I could get up and play foot ball as planned. Though I had doubts about myself and the others getting up early to play football I set my alarm to get up early. A game of football in the morning was too tempting for me. I think more than the function of a mobile phone it serves me as an alarm. As usual I set three alarms in my cell phone with three different sounds. This is because I was getting used to the sound that I slept even as my alarm rang till the battery power got drained. The last mid term test I couldn’t take chances and asked my cousin at home to give me wakeup call.

My mobile alarm rang and as usual my hand automatically went to snooze it. After my alarm I just remember getting up late at 8:30 instead of 6. I proved myself wrong that only sport was something that could enthuse me to forgo sleep.

Hey sorry I was talking of dreams !All the dreams that I remember are those that happen in the morning. The dream I had today can be called controversial but I think there is nothing wrong in telling it outside.

It was a nice morning and it was a packed class in PGP 1 class. I greeted a couple of people before settling down into one of those middle rows. We were all there for a surprise. One smart girl from PGP 2 comes to the class professionally dressed. People, I call the girl smart as she was really good looking but seriously I don’t remember who. I swear!!

Couple of days before I remember someone talking over phone to his friend saying this “hey I am the fairest here in BIM, don`t talk of the girls, there are lot of Sameera reddys and Bipasha Basus.”. That comment wasn’t mine but he did clarify that when he mentioned about the Sameera reddy`s and Bipasha basu he was mentioning the skin color. I should tell you, I like Nandita Das; she is so beautiful and has brains too. Listen to her when she talks next time. She is a postgraduate in Sociology.

Back to the dream -As students get settled she first says “I am going to take your class for the next 10 sessions and incase you have any reservations against me taking the class please do tell”. That was so sweet on her part but who cared what is being delivered. The question was who was delivering. The boys were happy that the class was engaged by a beautiful female. I swear again that I still don’t know who the lady was! If only the dreams were so much easily recollected it would have been interesting.
Do I understand the reason behind the dream? Not sure. I did express this dream to a couple of people. One said “are you going to take finance in the second year” I said “Yes” and he said “I can see that you are already affected”. People in BIM would understand what he said.

Before coming to BIM I remember a dream. I am sure very few people would understand what I feel. It was early morning and sun was just out. The sky was getting brighter and I am on my bike. I am going through a road that was straight and was never ending. I could see only one thing all my way-Fresh, beautiful orange flowers all over the place; on either sides of the road, all along the road and also in on the road. It was such a pleasure riding my bike and I could really feel good about it. I remembered that dream for a long time. The dream was just the night before I was coming to Trichy. I still don’t know what it meant but the dream gave me such a positive energy and I could look forward to my time at BIM.

There have been other common dreams that I think many others would have had. Like being chased by a Tiger (in a lot of my friends cases it has been dogs), falling from a high raised buildings. But there have been other weird dreams as well. I would tell you people one such dream.

I was in my second year of engineering. I was sharing my room with 4 other people. I remember one friend telling me that I was the only sane guy in the room. (I don`t want you guys to approve that  ) One such crazy friend who happens to be one of my close friends fell sick. He was almost on the bed for a week or more. During that period I had this dream.
I find him coughing and struggling and I call for a doctor. I am waiting on the second floor of my hostel waiting for the doctor, looking over from the balcony. I see at least some five white Maruti cars that were speeding towards my hostel. Hey notice it was white maruti cars and not white Ambassadors!! I am really specific because you shouldn’t ask me any questions later. Anything is fair in a dream.

I didn’t really expect that to be the doctor but I was curious who it was. No prizes for guessing who it was anyway your guesses would have gone waste...... “It was Atal Bihari Vajpayee”. Poor fellow would have found it so difficult to travel in that small Maruti car with his knee problems. But I guess there is no pain in a dream. I was neither a BJP supporter nor did Atalji become that famous in the year 2000. But he was in my room. He had come to see my friend Bhaskar.

Crazy dreams!!! Isn’t it? Guess it has to do with what was inscribed on my computer centre in REC Trichy the Octagon. It said “Dare to dream”