what does the "I" want from "me"

It is almost 2 weeks since I am back in campus. Three months at home. It was a well needed break. I had a lot of outings with friends and cousins. How can I forget the people at EY? They were amazing. When I was sitting idle at home I just wanted to be back in campus. Now I am where I wanted to be!! I wanted the remaining one year to be the most hardworking and fruitful year.

BIM hasn't given me the happiness I was looking for. You can create an ambience of hope and motivation but Motivation has to come from within - they say.

I sit now analyze why this feeling of helpless in me on the day when Marwar- a event spanning over a week came to a end. It is already 0230 hours.

I love people who have opinions.
I love people who are independent.
I love people who stand for their values.
I love people who can speak their minds.

I hate indecisions. I am the most confused myself these days. I just don’t want to say I hate myself. I feel my happiness lies outside in others which I know is wrong. I have been questioning my values. I feel a hypocrite so many times trying to speak my mind.

Couple of days back had the best outing for long time. We left by 8 in the morning and were back by evening 6. Such a joy ride it was with 6 other wonderful people but once I was back in campus I was like feeling void.
I have no complains but still this feeling is weird.

What does the 'I' want from 'me' is the question I ask myself the most?

I am not worried about my placements. Nor I am worried about the Grade points slipping a couple of decimals. So what is that I want? If only I knew what I want I think I will be on the driver’s seat. Being not in control bothers me.

These days I have been trying to do a lot of different things. But none of these have come to my rescue so far. I hate cribbing but the same time no harm in trying to find what is wrong.

I had similar things in mind years ago. What if I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up? What if I didn't want to grow up at all? Then, in absolute distress, I imagined myself as my own, personal shrink. I saw myself reclining on my couch. Then I asked, "Why are you scared? I mean, reallyscared." That was a hard one, but I answered bravely: "More than anything, I'm afraid to fail." It was one of those translucently transcendent moments--almost an epiphany, when I knew I was being honest with myself. What scared me most was the possibility of letting people down--especially me.

You see, I discovered something so obvious it seems ridiculous to mention. isn't it?

I know that most of my energy goes in this contemplation. These are not a waste I know. I have evolved through such a thought process number of times. But this time I don’t know how to think? What to think? But I know why to think. I have to contemplate to find out the answer for this one question. What does the ‘I’ want from the ‘me’?

Such a nice song while ending this blog....

"Krishna nee begane baro...."